Polishing A Turd (NSFW)

If they hang it in a gallery, it still don’t make it art
Three chords and the truth
Download     mp3 demo     Lyrics (pdf)

During FAWM 2015 I was writing a song based on additive structures and in the middle of trying to piece together a demanding and over elaborate demo came to the conclusion I was trying to ‘polish a turd’. Despite all efforts to resist I flipped over the lyric sheet and started writing a new song on the back. The three chord pattern came immediately and ‘Polishing A Turd’ was demoed and done in 2 hours. The “roll it in glitter line” came from Mark Nelson (you can hear him say it to me in the behind the scenes video for Let’s Build An Airport.

The Pop Mythology site was kind enough to say “[If it] doesn’t give you a genuine LOL moment, you might not have a soul”.

Polishing a turd, polishing a turd
You can get a Grammy for polishing a turd
You might impress a hundred million pre-pubescent girls
“OMG he’s polishing a turd!!!!” >:O

Autotune a fart, autotune a fart
It’s OK to be pitchy if it comes right from the heart
If they hang it in a gallery, it still don’t make it art
Fire up the Melodyne™ let’s autotune a fart

Photoshop your mom, photoshop your mom
Make her taller, thinner, browner, bluer-eyed and blonde
Take away her cellulite and put her in a thong
Vogue will hold the cover if you photoshop your mom

Polishing a turd, polishing a turd
That’s what you get for polishing a turd
Roll it in some glitter but it just gets more absurd
That’s what you get for polishing a turd

(Make the world a better place by polishing a turd)

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Why Guitar Lessons Are More Important Than Any Other Lessons

There are lots of things you can do to make you smarter but music is the only thing that will make your corpus callosum thicker. The corpus callosum is the wiring system between the two halves of your brain. So when you have a guitar lesson you are literally rewiring your brain and upgrading it. Only music does this – not literacy, not maths, not even SRE.

And music doesn’t just help your brain talk to itself. It’s also great for strengthening the areas that handle balance, movement and motor control. It’s one of the few activities that gives the entire brain a workout; the parts that handles higher thinking (frontal cortex), memories (hippocampus), emotions (amygdala) even the parts that we share with animals (cerebellum and brain stem). And if that wasn’t enough, music makes you feel good by releasing a neurotransmitter called dopamine. Spelling tests don’t do that.

Recent studies have shown that music can help people with parkinson’s disease walk, autistic children socialise, premature babies gain weight and even reduce pain during spinal surgery.

Music doesn’t just change your brain when you’re young though.When older people lose the ability to speak after a stroke, scientists have found using music not only aids recovery but can produce visible changes in brain structure after only six months of treatment and it’s far more effective than getting them to listen to audio books.

Take that Charles Dickens!

Source: Zoe Cormier “Tune Into Treatment FM” in Focus Magazine (p.59) Oct 2015
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Music/Film Mashup Titles

Here’s the best of a thread I started on FAWM. This is the work of many fawmers (those I could remember name checked at the end…)

Bill And Ted’s Bogus Journey Tribute Band
System Of A Downton Abbey
Kill Bill Withers
Pacific Rimshot
Beastie Boyhood
Ghost Busta Rhymes
What About Bob Seger (And The Silver Bullet Band)?
Mocking Jay-Z (Part 1)
My Week With Marilyn Manson
Things To Do In John Denver When You’re Dead

Let The Right One Direction In
Dial Eminem For Murder
The Big Le Bow Wow Wowski
Scent Of A Womack
The Lana Del Ray That Time Forgot
The Glass Nicky Minajery
A Kraftwerk Orange
The Ozzy Osborne Identity
Three Men In A Bo Diddley
The Man Who Would BB King

Arianna Grande Budapest Hotel
How I Met Your Mother Love Bone
Dirty Daniel O’ Donnell
Romancing The Stone Temple Pilots
Tupac To The Future
The Man With The Goldfrapp Gun
Inglorious Busteds
Grandmaster Fast & The Furious Five
U2 Only Live Twice
Flash Gordon Giltrap

Mr And Mrs Mark E Smith
A Human League Of Their Own
Full Metallica Jacket
Robyn Thicke: Prince Of Thieves
Har Mar Superstar Wars 7: The Dragonforce Awakens
Average White Band Of Brothers
A Million Ways To Diana Ross In The Kanye West
Jackson Pollock 5
Deep Blue Cee-Lo Green

Free Willy Nelson
12 Years An Audioslave
American Sniper At The Gates Of Dawn
Saving Private Ryan Adams
Annie Hall And Oates
Snakes On A Jefferson Airplane
Bob Marley And Me
Burt Bacharachnophobia
Jurassic Van Dyke Parks (And Recreation)

The Seven Year Itchycoo Park
Supersize Meatloaf
Bass/Off
The Beatle My Heart Skipped
Hannah And Her Twisted Sister
Beck To The Future
Nickelback Mountain
Win A Date With George Hamilton IV!
Everything You Always Wanted To Know About The Sex Pistols But Were Afraid To Ask
I Know What You Did Last Gordon Sumner

Into The Woody Guthrie
Pedro The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe
Five Weezer Pieces
Tarzan And Jane’s Addiction
The Guns Of Dave Navarro
Smokey Robinson And The Miracles On 34th Street
Dave Grohllerball
Green Miley Cyrus
Bourne This Way
Elvis Costello Meets The Mummy

Driving Miss Daisy Chainsaw
The Avengers Sevenfold
Green Day Of The Dead
Blue Velvet Underground
Once Upon A Time In The Westlife
The Take That Of Pelham 123
Coltranespotting
Tropic Thunderclap Newman
Evil Dead Kennedys
Dastardly And Motley Crüe

Meet Me In St Louis Armstrong
Amy Winehouse Rules
The Amazing Spider-Manfred Mann
Bedknobs & Broomstyx
Pretty In Pink Floyd
The Taking Of Pelham One Two Fun Boy Three
War Of The Guns N Roses
I’m Alright, Jack Johnson
Crowded House Of Wax
The Byrds

I Know What You Did Last Joe Strummer
Shallow Max Bygraves
Shakespeare In Love And Rockets?
Dark Side Of The Moonraker?
Dr Hoosiers
The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly Kid Joe
The Empire Strikes Back In Black
Ice Cold In Alex Turner
Star Trek The Wrath Of Kanye West
ZZ Top Gun

Contributions from Marvsmooth, Frenchcricket, Motorcitymusicman, Atitlan, Sailingmagpie Joe Strange and many more

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Homework 08/01/16

Hi there Guitar pupils

Some of you worked on Can’t Stop by Red Hot Chili Peppers this week.

  • Check out the cool video here
  • Find out what kind of guitar John Frusciante is playing
Here’s a Zombie song by Jonathan Coulton called Re: Your Brains
  • Can you find any other cool songs by Jonathan Coulton?

Here’s the Star Wars Bad Lip Reading Videos

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10 Things That Didn’t Get Enough Love in 2015

10 Things That Didn’t Get Enough Love (Even If They Got Some) in 2015 (Or Any Other Year) And You Should REALLY Check Out (If You Haven’t Already).

All of these made my top 10′s but dammit – I need to say more!

Music

Alone At The Microphone (David Bazan)

Unplugged music videos filmed at home and in his car plus interviews. $5 for the film and mp3s. Download here.

Safety Fifth or LYA (Mucca Pazza)

Can’t decide between Chicago punk rock marching band’s two most recent albums. Buy them here. Watch them here.

Aeon: Peace To The Puzzle (Scorzayzee)

Rap with self-depreciating humour, raw brokeness, spirituality and a Notts accent. Read about it here.

Films

Birdman

Got a lot of love, but not enough.

Bad Words

Jason Bateman‘s hilarious and moving non-PC comedy about man entering a child’s spelling bee. He plays a man determined to offend everyone he encounters but finds himself befriended by a lonely Indian boy. The film bombed but I can’t help feeling it was misunderstood. Red band trailer. Amazon UK link.

Inherent Vice

Some people complained the plot was impossible to follow. But then some people would say that. Trailer.

Chef

A heartwarming indie movie about a guy making delicious sandwiches. A live action remake of Ratatouille starring lots of REALLY famous people. The fever dream of Tony Stark’s chauffeur while lying in hospital with the cooking channel on. You decide. Trailer.

Skeletons

An ultra low budget British comedy about two psychic ‘house-cleaners’. Incredibly inventive, visually brilliant and succeeds in painting a fully realised world with only the simplest of brush strokes. Trailer. Amazon UK. Google Play.

Book

Team of Rivals (Doris Kearns Goodwin)

A massive book about Abraham Lincoln’s election and cabinet which never gets boring or confusing for a minute.

TV Show

Jonathan Strange And Mr Norrell

Another fully realised world – post-magic Georgian England. A great setting of a fantastic book. Enzo Cilenti is utterly compelling. Trailer.

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